Courtesy Rockstar Games

Rockstar’s new GTA Online car update… another one?

(Los Angeles, CA) – Rockstar Games announced not too long ago that GTA Online players would soon be able to add another custom car to their collection, thanks to the release of the Dewbauchee Rapid GT Classic.

“The Dewbauchee Rapid GT Classic has matured like a fine vintage wine, each passing year adding something mysterious to its allure.”

The company, which rules the world of GTA Online with an iron fist, has released a multitude of new cars in the past. These new cars have arrived through various updates and patches to the game. It’s the same deal this time around.

However, Rockstar says this car update is different, because the car that this update has is purple. “It’s also kinda neat looking, so you should probably go get a Megalodon Shark Card. Then, go ahead and buy the car. Do it now,” the company advised.

Maximized profit

As it stands, Rockstar has earned more money off of Shark Cards than actual sales of GTA V.

We’re not sure if this is sad or impressive. Seriously, when’s the last time you created a global empire of players who were willing to fork over $100 for virtual money that hackers could just straight up give to them – for free – in under five seconds?

Rockstar an evil entity?

ShellNut suspects that Rockstar must be “testing the waters” with the whole Shark Card thing. We figure that if Rockstar knows it has a captive audience who are willing to pay real money in exchange for fake money, then they probably will have no issue in going ahead with planting microchips inside of everyone’s skulls in order to take over the United States. (Seriously, google this. It’s part of MKULTRA. We have our sources.)

For many people, it’s still unclear at this point whether or not Rockstar will continue to release cars to rake in more Shark Card cash. To be honest, I think they will. As it stands, Rockstar thinks GTA:O should be exploited as much as possible – they’re sitting on a total cash cow. This case shows that history repeats itself. There’s no doubt in my mind that they want to take over the United States, and possibly the world.

We think Rockstar should focus on finally finishing Red Dead 2, but that’s probably not gonna happen. 🥜

Tim Marchetti

I'm a government goon who's in love with all things tech. My ideal Friday night consists of me, my computer, and a Mason jar full of bottom-shelf rum. I also play Farmville.

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