spacex and facebook ceo mark zuckerburg

SpaceX to give close-up “extreme” tours of the Sun

(Hawthorne, CA) – Mark Zuckerburg, founder and CEO of SpaceX LLC, announced earlier this morning that SpaceX would soon begin offering close-up flyby tours of the Sun for “extreme tanners and metrosexual vloggers in search of merch revenue.”

“Nobody has ever done anything this extreme…”

Mr. Zuckerburg spoke highly of the venture, noting that “nobody has ever done anything this extreme before,” and “after this, I’m gonna go home and get totally smashed, because that’s what rich people like me do. I own SpaceX, if you didn’t already know.”

SpaceX and bleeding-edge innovation

The company has performed revenue flights into space before, though most have gone horribly wrong. There was the flight to Mars in which the landing craft touched down and was immediately greeted by hostile green midgets with baseball bats – then, there was the flight to the moon where one passenger died after opening the ship’s door. He thought it was the flusher for the space toilet.

Recently, SpaceX and Zuckerburg have been making moves to ensure nothing horribly wrong ever happens again on any SpaceX flight. “It’s hard to be completely accident-free when you’re traveling huge distances across space,” Zuckerburg noted. “There was one time where a SpaceX ship almost hit an asteroid. It was horrible. One passenger vomited, and the vomit was floating around in the ship for days. That kind of thing really isn’t good for PR. I’m Mark Zuckerburg.”

The cost of participation

It’s unclear how much the company is expected to charge for rides to the sun. As space travel expert Zsa Zsa Gabor puts it, “they could charge anywhere from 1 to 2 million US dollars for the trip, and could probably take up to 8 people at a time.”

Would you fork over a million or two for a chance to see the sun up close and personal? Mr. Zuckerburg seems to think so. 🥜

Tim Marchetti

I'm a government goon who's in love with all things tech. My ideal Friday night consists of me, my computer, and a Mason jar full of bottom-shelf rum. I also play Farmville.

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