Apple iPhone X user

iPhone X will help build the FBI’s Facial Recognition Database

(Cupertino, CA) – Apple Inc. confirmed in a press release earlier today that the iPhone X will ship with built-in software that will automatically scan the user’s face. Apple will subsequently send the resulting facial recognition data directly to the FBI.

Tim Cook’s big announcement

Apple CEO Tim Cook held a video conference later on in the day. During that conference, he confirmed that the iPhone’s FaceID system, which lets the phone’s owner secure their sensitive user information, will also upload data to the CIA and DHS… but mainly the FBI.

“Studies have shown that the government knows exactly what’s best for you…”

“It’s 2017, guys. We don’t know who’s a terrorist and who isn’t. You could be a terrorist – or at least, a sympathizer – and you might not even know it until it’s too late. It’s time Apple did something good for a change,” Mr. Cook stated, as he demonstrated the FaceID system to the audience. “Studies have shown that the government knows exactly what’s best for you, anyway. What could go wrong?”

The crowd cheered on in agreement – business as usual at any iPhone announcement. After that, Tim Cook called people who download music illegally instead of using iTunes “the worst kinds of terrorists.”

The rising cost of the iPhone, exemplified

The phone itself will be retailing anywhere from $999 to somewhere in the $1400 range. The high price tag on the iPhone X can mainly be attributed to the cost of implementing facial recognition technology into the device, as well as to cover the cost of purchasing U2’s newest album, “I Wanna Cure AIDS Again,” for every iPhone user.

You will be able to pre-order the iPhone X on October 27th – Apple will start shipping the phones on November 3rd. We have no clear information yet concerning how accurate the FaceID system is. There’s also an unconfirmed rumor that the iPhone will also pipeline data to ICE. We’ll just have to wait and see. 🥜

Tim Marchetti

I'm a government goon who's in love with all things tech. My ideal Friday night consists of me, my computer, and a Mason jar full of bottom-shelf rum. I also play Farmville.

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